Christian, Jews

Must We Forgive When They Don’t Apologize?

Cindy Dawson

Has anyone ever done something to you that was really hard to forgive? Have you wondered if you were required to forgive those who didn’t repent of their wrongdoing? What if someone has hurt you deeply, but they aren’t sorry? Maybe they don’t even think they did anything wrong! Must we forgive those people, too?

I’ve experienced some traumatic things in my life, the kinds of things that are hard to forgive.

After reading Bruce Cooper’s excellent post, To Forgive – When and How Often, I asked him about forgiving someone who isn’t sorry about their crime. His answer was helpful to me, and I thought it might help some of you, too.

Bruce’s response: In Luke 23:34, Jesus, in the midst of unimaginable suffering, prays,

“Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”

Jesus expresses a posture of mercy even toward those who hadn’t repented.

However, it’s important to distinguish between the willingness to forgive and the actual bestowal of forgiveness, especially as Jesus taught it. Throughout Scripture, we are called to always maintain a heart ready to forgive, even before the other person repents. This is the spirit Jesus embodied—He did not harbor bitterness or resentment.

But when it comes to the transaction of forgiveness—the restoration of relationship—that is usually tied to repentance. Jesus said in Luke 17:3–4 (NASB):

“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.

And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”

This shows that the full experience of forgiveness includes repentance. Jesus’ prayer on the cross (“Father, forgive them…”) was not a pronouncement that all were automatically forgiven, but a plea for the Father to extend mercy—possibly opening the door for their eventual repentance (as some would later come to believe, like the Roman centurion in Luke 23:47 and many Jews at Pentecost in Acts 2:37–41).

So yes, we are indeed called to release bitterness and be willing to forgive even when the other person doesn’t see their wrong. But this doesn’t mean we minimize sin or pretend reconciliation has occurred when it hasn’t. Forgiveness, like love, is offered freely—but reconciliation requires truth and repentance.

In short:

We forgive from the heart (Mark 11:25) so that bitterness doesn’t take root.

We remain open to reconciliation, praying that others come to repentance.

We do not take revenge but entrust justice to God (Romans 12:19).

Your insight about people not knowing the harm they cause is often true, and this makes compassion even more needed. But biblical forgiveness, in its fullest sense, doesn’t deny the need for accountability—it simply refuses to let offense rule our hearts. Hope this helps to answer your question. Blessings – Bruce

To Forgive – When and How Often by Bruce Cooper. Read it HERE.

In His Love, Cindy

Do you want to know more about Jesus? See my page Who Is Jesus?

“Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: May they prosper who love you.”

Psalm 122:6

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15 thoughts on “Must We Forgive When They Don’t Apologize?”

  2. I have sometimes wrestled with that question myself and am glad you made the distinction so crystal clear. Willingness to forgive, releases that bitterness and vengeance (justice) belongs in the hands of the Chief Justice of Heaven’s court and not to us. Have a blessed weekend, Cindy.

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    1. There is a big difference between forgiving someone who hurts your feelings and forgiving someone who has committed a heinous crime against you or someone you love.
      I wanted a clearer understanding of what the Scripture teaches so I turned to Bruce.
      Thanks for commenting, Pastor Pete. God bless you as you serve Him! 🙏

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  4. When I was first married a preacher told me 2 things one needs to keep a marriage going, a good sense of humor and forgiveness. Corrie Ten Boone had many messaged on this and if memory serves me, you even posted about her walk in forgiveness. Forgiveness is something we have to learn and relearn. Growing up in abuse, I had learned to forgive that, so I thought other forgiveness would come easier. It does not. If we remain tender in our hearts with Jesus we will often get abused for that faith. Standing up for the Gospel truth also seems to invite persecution. The walk in forgiveness is a process. And sometimes we think we have forgiven only to relive that injury again and again learn a new level of forgiveness. Thanks again Cindy for this lesson and reminder.

    Blessings to you

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    1. I agree. If one can’t forgive “little” things, how will they ever forgive something “big”?
      There are things I thought I had forgiven, yet I relive it again and again. I think we have to learn that forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean excusing the harm done. That’s where it gets tricky. Thanks for sharing your insights. God bless you, Eileen! 🙏

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  5. Some very good points to think about!

    I think forgiveness is for the offended rather than the offender. To me, forgiveness means releasing the offense and its consequences to God, thereby keeping, for ourselves, a clean slate with God, and a pure heart. There may or may not be repentance and reconciliation in the future, but that is up to God.

    2 Cor 2.10, 11 To whom ye forgive any thing, I forgive also: for if I forgave any thing, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ; Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.

    I like the point about repentance and reconciliation, and the Word of God used to support it.

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  7. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. We are called to forgive by God just as we have been forgiven by God. But reconciliation requires the offender to repent and seek reconciliation. We are reconciled to God when we come to the cross where we are forgiven and reconciled because we have repented and sought forgiveness. A classic example is Joseph in Genesis. Before he expressed forgiveness for his brothers, he tested them to see if there was a change of heart.

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